If you have been following my blog for awhile, you have probably noticed that I have not been writing as often lately. That is because I feel like Rocky. Yes, Rocky Balboa. Since about mid-May, I have faced round after round after round of new challenges. Some of these challenges are small and some are ridiculously more than anyone I know has ever faced. Just when I feel like I’m back on my feet again, I get hit by another killer sucker punch. Struggling, staggering, clawing my way back up again, my soul looks like something like this:
Battered, bruised, tired.
One of our most recent challenges was attending a meeting at Children’s Hospital to discuss the results of Callie’s autopsy. Pain. Grief. Agony.
But also, knowledge. Understanding. Comfort. Peace.
We left that hospital knowing that we were wonderful parents to Callie, remembering the scary parts, the funny parts, the happy parts, and everything in between. And on the way home, wouldn’t you know it, Brighter Than the Sun came on the radio. In fact, we heard it two more times that day in different places. Callie was with us. She was thanking us for allowing her to go to heaven peacefully. She was reaching down and giving us a big sunshiny hug.
Another challenge I’ve faced lately is my own negative self-talk. I’m a very positive person. But it would be a complete lie to say that I have been 100% positive, 100% of the time. IMPOSSIBLE! I have been battling feelings of anger and negativity for about two solid months now. That’s ok, and that is part of grieving. However, I was beating myself up over it. Making myself extra sad when I wasn’t able to be positive. Extra disappointed in myself when I didn’t feel like I was being the best friend I could be to others because of my feelings of grief. Feeling like I had nothing nice to say that anyone would want to read about on this blog.
In my last post, I wrote about letting go of my negative relationship with lists. I can say that I am working on letting go of a lot of other things too. I’m trying to at least. When the “baby bombs” get me, I realized that instead of a helmet, for now, I need to go into a bomb shelter. No Facebook (if you see me coming on/off again, that’s why!). I don’t answer the phone/email if I’m not feeling up to it. I found myself trying to be “normal” and then feeling guilty when I wasn’t. I’m not a good faker… so I stopped trying to fake it. I have enough battles to face. Why fight with myself? To help with this I’ve ordered a cool decal for our bathroom mirror that says, “Be kind to yourself,” as a daily reminder to treat myself gently.
Despite feeling a little worn out and tired, I also feel like I can see the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel”. Like I have been climbing a steep, jaggedy mountain…stumbling every once in awhile…but continuing to climb. The pinnacle is so close and I know that if I could just get to the other side of the mountain, I would arrive in a peaceful valley. I’m almost there. And because of that feeling, even though I may continue to get knocked down, I keep getting back up. I’m going 15 rounds with Apollo Creed, and I’m going to win this!! Can you hear the Rocky theme song yet???
Ok, I can’t leave you with that song in your head. I am too girly for that.
The day after Callie’s autopsy report, I was shakin’ it during Zumba class. (There is something about making yourself look ridiculous that is incredibly healing.) As we cooled down, the most adorable song came on. I love the words. I love the sound. I love the ukelele!
Listen and love it too.
…So many reasons for you to be angry
So many reasons, it’s not the way you planned it
But all you can do is see ’em, all you can do is feel ’em,
all you can do is let them be
…and most of it is out of your hands
So why don’t you get up and dance
Just dance, just dance…
While you’re making other plans
While you’re …
You’ll be kicking it in the shade
And you’re thinking you got it made
Life is gonna happen to you anyway
Life happens…We should be here right now.