Three Years

Pay It Forward

We celebrated Callie’s 3rd birthday in heaven yesterday.  I always wonder what she would be like if she were here with us today.  What would her little personality be like?  What would she look like now?  For now, we will have to wait and wonder.

 

Today marks three years since our little angel went to heaven.  I wanted to share a poem that a sweet friend wrote and shared with me.  We have never met, but she we share a positive outlook, little angels named Callie, and the sweet rainbow gifts that our angels have given us.  It’s beautiful.

Livin’ in the Light You Left Behind…

It’s so hard to explain it
Almost impossible to describe
Just how warm it really feels
Livin in the light you left behind

To some you were a baby lost
A tragedy they might say
But to us you’re our sweet Callie
A beautiful daughter that couldn’t stay

It’s no doubt we’ve cried an ocean
Because we had to say goodbye
But it doesn’t mean your life doesn’t bring us joy
Livin in the light you left behind

You were a precious dream to hold
Now our hearts hold you safe and sound
We can only see you in photos or sweet memories
But there’s no doubt that you’re around

We feel you every single day
You never leave our minds
You left us a lifetime of grateful hearts
Livin in the light you left behind

You sent us your precious little sister
She reminds us so much of you
In her face, her smile, her sweet spirit
She’s a miracle just like you

You’re our sunshine angel
She’s our rainbow, in her we find
That hope is always possible
Livin in the light you left behind

You are our sweetest gifts
Our babies, our precious little girls
The pride and love you bring us
Compares to nothing in this world

She’ll always know her sister
And how you changed our lives
How you made us parents, helped us find peace
Livin in the light you left behind

Because now we live so truly
The glorious ordinary fills our days
Your time here on this precious earth
Has changed the world in so many ways

Oh what we wouldn’t give for one more kiss
One more snuggle, just one more time
But your love will last a lifetime, while we’re
Livin in the light you left behind

We whisper out your precious name
And we know that you’re right here
Your sweet and happy little soul
Reminds us not to fear

We know you’re safe in heaven’s arms
So until the good Lord says it’s our time,
We’ll be swaddled in your sweet angel love
Livin in the light you left behind…

~for our sweet Callies~
dawn helen jansen 11/11/14

 

Thanks for all the message, yellow, and acts of kindness.  It really brightens our day.

xoxo

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Callie’s Due Date

Callie's Birth Story

3 years ago today, wearing yellow on Callie’s due date.

 

I woke up this morning with one crystal clear thought.

Today was Callie’s due date.

Right before that thought had been a dream.  But really it was a memory…

I sat in my first grade classroom, concentrating so hard on whatever it was that seemed so important at the time that I didn’t realize I was pressing my stomach into my desk.  Inside my belly, Callie pushed back against the desk so hard that I was scooted back a few inches in my wheeled office chair.  I thought that was pretty funny at the time and told her I was sorry for squishing her.  I can remember seeing that yellow striped sweater like it was yesterday.

She seemed so strong, so healthy, so… alive.  Just right there beneath the surface.  Ready to be born.  Ready to live.

Later, after she was born and fighting for life, the doctors, trying desperately to understand how such a large issue could have gone undetected, asked me millions of questions:  “Did you receive prenatal care?”  “Did you take any drugs?”  “Did you feel any decrease in movement?”.   I could answer all of the questions confidently, although slightly offended, except for the one about movement.  I was so busy and stressed right before Callie was born that I wasn’t paying attention that much.  I knew I didn’t NOT feel her move, I had countless videos of her squirming and kicking in my belly, and she certainly had a lot of hiccups (which apparently didn’t count, who knew?)- but it caused me so much agony that I didn’t know for sure if there had been a ‘decrease’ in movement.

However, I did remember that push.  I remembered her pushing me back from the desk with strength and vigor and, perhaps, a touch of annoyance. At least I had that.

After I woke up, the memories from that day three years ago kept flooding in, taking my breath away with their clarity.  I read an article about car seat safety recently written by the parent of a child who passed away in an accident.  She said that the people who tell you that time heals have never lost a child.  I couldn’t agree more.  It doesn’t heal-  it still hurts just as much.  But I guess it is different after three years in some ways.  Time has allowed this loss to become a part of our new lives, our new normal, our new reality.  We have had time to learn who we are now and how to navigate the world.  But it doesn’t really make it any easier-  just different.

This is a stupid thing to be angry about, but this morning after collecting myself, I found myself supremely jealous of people who can use the TimeHop app on Facebook with carefree abandon.  Stupid, right?  It’s a neat concept- being able to see exactly what you posted on this date for the past couple of years- but the thought of seeing posts from three years ago and beyond fills me with sadness.  I’ve never been able to bring myself to do it.  It would be like reading about a stranger.  Who is that girl?  The girl who thought having babies was cute and fun.  The girl whose biggest worry was how perfectly perfect her lesson plans were or having things checked off of a checklist.  Who is that???

Nope, not for me.  I’m ok right here in the present.  I’m not that girl anymore…I have been changed forever.  Consider this post my TimeHop for the day.

Today is all I have and all I can count on…even when my ‘today’ is hard.

If you are thinking about Callie too, please wear yellow on the 27th and 28th to remember her.  You have no idea how much it means to us when people say her name and honor her life.  It truly means the world.  Please do an act of kindness.  Give a hug.  Spread some love.

It’s nice to know that, because of her, the world is a little bit better and a little bit more sunshiny.

28 Weeks! Another Update…

365-14

28 Weeks!!  Woot wooooooooot!!  We are in the third trimester 🙂  So happy and thankful to be here.

Since my last post we have had another measurement check on little Wilbur.  She continued to grow, making what the doctor described as “adequate” growth.  There was a very slight slide in her percentile, but she remained the same number of days behind.  He was happy with the fact that she was continuing to grow and make progress.  However, one of her measurements slid below the tenth percentile so we are now having to make weekly visits to the maternal fetal specialists.  We will alternate weeks between biophysical profiles (BPP) on the baby to check on her well-being and measurement checks.  Today will be the first BPP and I have no doubt that it will go well…she’s an active, strong little thing.  The next measurement check will be next week.

All of the doctor appointments can be a little tiring, but we know she is being closely monitored and that can only be a good thing!  The doctor seemed a lot more optimistic about her getting to full term last week so that was really encouraging.

We just have to keep on doing what we are doing and staying positive!

Thanks to everyone again for all the messages and for checking in on us 🙂