38 weeks!

*This post is dedicated to a special friend (and her amazing family) who is brave and strong and is totally owning every second.  Love you.*

Pshew!  We are here at last friends.  38 weeks!!

When I woke up on St. Patrick’s Day, I felt so happy and positive for our measurement check later that day.  I just *knew* it was going to be a good one.  And sure enough, little ‘Wilburta’ shocked the doctor by having a huge growth spurt!  Not only did she catch back up to the 28th% overall, but her little bitty belly got back into the 20th% for the first time since 20 weeks back in December!!  Just to put that in perspective, at our last appointment it was <2%!

She is now considered a normal/average sized baby!  Can you believe it?!?  The doctor was so stunned and said he never expected us to get this far or for her to grow so much.  There are a few little things they are continuing to monitor so I’ve gone ahead and started my maternity leave now, but, you guys, I’m not even worried about it.  She will arrive later this week and we can’t be more thrilled to meet this little wonder- this little girl who has given us such a roller coaster and tested our faith.

I have to admit something.  Despite hearing for months and months that our baby was going to be born early and small, I refused to buy any preemie clothing.  I felt like if I did, I would just be giving up on the hope that the doctors would be wrong.  And I just couldn’t do that- give up hope, that is.  But then, after our last appointment at 36 weeks when her growth had slowed so much, I caved into the fear and bought some just in case.  I told myself that we would just donate them to the NICU if we didn’t need them.  It was just a precaution, just to be prepared for anything.  Those thoughts helped a bit, but I couldn’t help but feel this tremendous guilt for buying those outfits.  I felt like I was letting myself and my baby down by allowing that doubt to creep into my heart.

I did.  It got to me.

But I’ve learned now.  This little girl is following her own path, her own growth curve, and my goodness gracious have we overanalyzed her every move along the way.  I won’t be doing that anymore-  I have no control over any of it anyway.  God has taken me to some pretty scary and awful places so turning over the wheel is not easy, but I think that this journey to baby #3 has taught me to stop asking “Why?” so much.  To just trust.  That is faith.  That is believing.

I think I may just keep those little onesies as a reminder of what NOT to do.  Never, ever, ever give up.

***

When I was pregnant with Charlotte, we had a theme song.  This time along, we have found one too.  Every time I hear One Republic’s “I Lived” it just resonates with me.  The lyrics always stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of those lessons our sweet Callie taught us about life- the same lessons I want to teach Charlotte and Baby #3.  When I listen to it, I remember to not give in to my fears, my worries, and my doubts.

Instead, I remember to own every second that this world can give.

When I went to research the song origins and music video to include in this post, I was blown away.  One Republic’s lead singer, Ryan Tedder, originally wrote the song for his son as a message for him about how he wanted his son to live his life, living it to the fullest. I couldn’t have said it any better.  And the video…

Well, just watch.  Dare you not to cry.

Now, go.

Go crank this song up in your car and drive around with your windows down.  Feel the sunshine and be glad.

I’ll see you on the flipside with news about this little rebel!!

Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you’ll say…

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I’ll say…

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

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36 Weeks Update

March 02, 2015-5

36 weeks!  There was a time that I didn’t think we would make it this far.  I’m in awe of how quickly time has gone by, while still seeming to creep at a snail’s pace at the same time.  How is that possible?

Since my last post, we had a great measurement appointment at 33 weeks- ‘Wilburta‘ climbed up to the 30th percentile in overall weight!  I remember feeling like that was pretty darn huge compared to all of our other visits.  But on Wednesday at our 35 weeks measurement check, however, her growth had slowed quite a bit.  She dropped down to the 16th percentile with an abdominal circumference of less than 2%.  Since she had still managed to grow a bit though, she was given the green light to stay put for a little while longer.  The doctor said this slow down in growth may be an indicator that the end of her stay inside my tummy may be drawing very near.

So, just enough good news to keep marching forward…just enough drama to scare us half to death.

To be honest, now that we are at this point in the pregnancy I’m not scared of her being born a little early.  We’re only a week away from what is considered full-term and the doctors have reassured us that she will do very well if she were born this very day.

What is really scaring me, however, is her staying inside of me.  This may sound backwards, but I just want her out.  If something about my body or placenta isn’t giving her what she needs to grow adequately, I am really frightened that something bad will happen in between my appointments and that I won’t know- or be able to do anything about it.  I can remember feeling this way with Charlotte too, even though she never gave us any reasons to be worried.  It was just a natural consequence of losing Callie and meeting so many other women who have lost a child and hearing their stories of stillbirth.

There is a certain fear that I have held about pregnancy in the third trimester as a result ever since- this feeling like I am a walking death trap for my baby.  If you haven’t been there then you are probably scratching your head on that one, but I know damn well that the women who have been there know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.  It’s not fun.  It’s not cute.  It’s all business.

I miss that innocence of feeling with all certainty, without question, that my body is a safe haven for my baby.

We are scheduled to have a C-section at 38.5 weeks on March 26th.  That is less than 3 weeks away!  We could use all your prayers and positive energy that our baby continues to grow until that date.  I’d also really appreciate prayers that if for some reason she stops thriving that we will know right away and be able to get her safely into our arms.  Lastly, please pray that God takes away our anxiety and replaces it with peace in our hearts.  We’ve been busily preparing for this little one’s arrival and trying to have fun with it.

And that’s what we’ll continue to do!