Callie’s 4th Birthday in Heaven: Nothing Gold Can Stay

January 27, 2016-2

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost
How we wish you could have stayed, but we are so grateful for the short time you were here.  Look at all that has bloomed because of you, sweet girl.
Happy 4th birthday sweetie.  We have candles ready.
We love you.  We miss you so much Callie!

January 27, 2016

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Lila Faith: 10 Month Time Capsule

January 23, 2016-2

Lila turned 10 months old yesterday!  This month has been a very busy one for her and she reached many milestones all at one time like she was trying to cross them all off the list!

Lila’s Time Capsule:

January 10, 2016 January 10, 2016-2-Lila has a great appetite.  She has picked up on eating finger foods quickly this month.  Now in addition to her favorites of mashed peas and squash, she also enjoys bananas, pancakes, strawberries, blueberries, and of course PUFFS!

-We have been introducing sign language to Lila when she is eating and she has started copying us when we say “All done!” or “More”.  She has even self-initiated them on occasion!  It’s really neat to see her communicate in a new way!  🙂

January 12, 2016

-When she is feeling playful, Lila likes to clap ever so gently.  It’s adorable.

-She also loves to wave hello and good-bye to people…including herself in the mirror!

January 13, 2016

-Lila’s babbling has increased a bit.  I use the term babbling very loosely because I wouldn’t say she is a chatterbox, but when she does talk it is in the softest, sweetest, breathy little voice.  She says bababa and dadadada (this one is generally in reference to the dogs!).

-On the day she turned 10 months, we got slammed with a giant blizzard so Lila got a real doozy of a first snow.  Let’s just say she was not a fan.

January 22, 2016-6

-She did much better the next day when the winds and snow had stopped.  Strapped into the Ergo with Mommy, she went to her first block party at the ice bar our neighbors carved out of a snow bank.

-Lila is really good at crawling now and we are having to watch her closely so she doesn’t get into any trouble 😉

January 24, 2016-3 January 05, 2016-3

-She’s also begun pulling up to a standing position and loves to play at her activity table.

-Lila loves to play with a big pile of toys surrounding her!

January 08, 2016-3 January 08, 2016-2

-Lila has three teeth on the bottom and her two top teeth are poking through this month.

January 11, 2016

January 24, 2016-2

-Lately, she has shown a growing in interest in books and especially likes books that are interactive with flaps or fuzzy parts to touch.

-Even her laugh is laid back.  She has a slow little ”ha ha, ha ha” when she thinks something is funny.  Best word for it is a baby chuckle.

January 05, 2016

We just love her to pieces!!

Behind Closed Doors

January 21, 2016

Behind this door lies a story.

About two weeks ago, I was quietly passing Charlotte and Lila’s closed bedroom doors when I was caught very suddenly off guard by a realization.  It was the realization that I had walked passed their closed doors at night or during naptime hundreds of times and ALWAYS felt this strange heightened awareness as I went by them.  I wasn’t even really conscious of it.  The feeling would come and go and I would move on to whatever location I had been heading for.  But this time, it was different.  I became aware of my awareness, if you will.  It stopped me in my tracks and I stood staring at their doors.  The sound of their white noise machines filled the hallway and I tried to figure out what in the world was going on inside my heart.

And then it hit me.

The doors.

Especially that door.

They were shut.

Just like back then.

As memories flooded back into my mind, I realized that the emotions I was having were a mixture of deep contentment and sorrow.  How can they even exist in the same moment?  And why?

Because four years ago, that door stood open.  The walls were green.  The plush rug was pink.  A rocking chair rested serenely in the corner ready to be used at all hours of the night.  Teeny-tiny pink outfits hung on hangers and filled drawers, perfuming the air with whiffs of baby detergent.  A crib stood with little birdie sheets waiting to hold a new bundle of joy.

At the end of January 2012, that door closed.  All of the baby items we had sprinkled throughout our home were shoved in there.  It was the first place we went when we got home from the hospital.  Surrounded by Callie’s things, we wept.  Whenever we stepped out of our bedroom, this door loomed ahead of us- a cold slab of opaque wood staring at us cruelly, yet somehow still invisible because our bereaved x-ray vision saw through to the other side.  We knew its contents and mourned them.

Slowly that year, the door opened.  The room transformed, but retained reminders of her- an angel statue, a needlepoint of her name, artwork.  Baby things moved to what would become Charlotte’s room.  We grieved and hoped and prayed.  In April 2013, joy filled every room of our home, the crib held our rainbow, a new rocking chair swayed back-and-forth, back-and-forth.  Doors stayed open, unless of course, Charlotte was sleeping.

Fast-forward to 2015, it was almost time for Lila to make her arrival.  She deserved her own space.  Something dreamed up just for her.  Pale pinks and gold polka-dots danced in my mind, but where would they go?  We decided Callie would have wanted Lila to have her own space and John lovingly painted over the green with ‘angel blush’, a pale pink with just a hint of peach, but it wasn’t without dashes of pain.  Each stroke was a mix of emotions, so complicated, I lack the words to describe it.

Tonight as the girls lie sleeping, the doors are closed.  But, the rooms on the other side of those closed doors are full.

Full of light, full of laughter, full of LOVE.

When the doors are open, you can see that and feel it.

When they are closed…

…well, it’s not so easy to see or feel without seeing and feeling the past concurrently.

They say that when God closes a door, another one opens.  I guess that’s true.

But I can’t help but wonder sometimes what our view would be like if it had never shut to begin with?  What would that little green room have been like?  What would that story have been?

I’d never trade the view I have now of Lila’s little toothy grin shining up at me or of Charlotte crying out, “Mommy!  I have to go potty!”…

…but boy does it hurt sometimes knowing what lies behind closed doors.

 

 

January 27th is Callie’s 4th birthday in heaven, the 28th is her angel day.  Like every year, we will be wearing yellow and trying to find small ways to make a difference doing Kindness for Callie projects.  We’d love it if you would too.  

 

Lila Faith: 9 Month Time Capsule

December 24, 2015-4

 

Lila, oh sweet Lila.  Her cheeks melt me into a little mommy puddle and her big brown eyes turn me to mush.  I can’t imagine life without her.  She’s amazing!

December 24, 2015-5

Things to remember forever in her time capsule this month:

-Lila had her first Thanksgiving this month and also had a ton of fun getting in the Christmas spirit with her big sis.  I’ll just show you a bunch of pics in the place of words here 🙂

November 26, 2015-6

First Thanksgiving

First Thanksgiving

November 26, 2015-7

December 05, 2015 December 05, 2015-10 December 05, 2015-5 December 05, 2015-4 December 05, 2015-2 December 24, 2015

2015-12-25 07.38.57

-Lila is cruising along with motor skill development.  She has almost mastered the ability to push herself up to a sitting position so we had to lower her crib a bit more.  We will often turn on the monitor to find her on her hands and knees rocking back and forth like she is about to take off!  She loves to stand up while holding on to someone or something and is making a great effort to crawl.  We think she will be mobile in the next month or two.

-We talked about Ducky last month…he did not come back to the bath tub.  That’s ok though.  She’s been having tons of fun playing with Charlotte and didn’t need that scary old ducky after all.

November 26, 2015-10

-Lila is starting to babble now after a long, quiet hiatus.  She says ‘bababababababa’ in the cutest sweetest little voice.  She loves to laugh at her sister or when we play peek-a-boo.

-She got a new tooth for Christmas and woke Mommy & Daddy up to let us know about it on Christmas Eve.  Other than that though, she is *pretty much* back to her old self, being a great sleeper.

-Lila still has a healthy dose of stranger danger.  She’s a laid back little chica for us, but she really doesn’t love being held by anyone else.  More cuddles for us 😉

-Her hair is getting much fuller and longer…it won’t be long before she needs a trim!  It doesn’t stick up anymore in the front, which makes me sad, but it is still soft, and fine, and downy which makes me feel like the baby chick hasn’t quite left her system just yet.

December 20, 2015

-This face.  She does this face all the time where she chews on her top lip and sticks out her bottom one.  Resting Lila face.

December 21, 2015-3

We just love this little lady to pieces!  Hope you all had an amazing Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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