Six years ago.
It seems like a lifetime, but also like just a moment has passed.
Six years since Callie left us, one January afternoon. The doctor looked at us and told us you were gone.
How did that happen? One second you were there in our arms and the next, your spirit was gone but your body remained. I will never forget you lying there on the bed, swaddled in a blanket as I was wheeled away. Alone. It is not something I can unsee.
I dreamed the other night that I was walking on a beach. Someone was holding my hand. I could feel the sensation in my dream even though I could not see who it was or even see my hand being held. It was just like I was there, feeling that hand, walking and watching the waves and the sunset. Was that you, Callie?
And then there was the other night, on my way home from yoga. I was driving home and as I pulled up the dark road near our house, a little baby deer popped into view. I smiled because this was the third time I’d seen this little fawn in the dark and she looked back at me and then turned and started trotting away in front of my car so that I was moving at a snail’s pace behind her. It was really cute and kind of funny so I started to laugh and said aloud, “Ok, little one…where in the world is your momma?” and as the last word left my lips, I was struck, absolutely struck, with a feeling beyond description. I froze and started to cry as the little deer looked back at me and then darted off into the field out of sight.
Was that you saying hi Callie? Were you with your momma after all? I remember you visiting us like this in the garden once before. Was that you again?
I desperately wish I could know what you would have looked like as a six year old. Oh, how I wish I could know what you will look like when I get to heaven. Will you still be a baby? Will you grow alongside of me and be an adult? What if I go to heaven as a granny and you are still a baby? I don’t know. I wish I did. These are the things I wonder about.
I’m so glad you are in my life sweet girl, even if it is from heaven and it hurts so much. I have needed you lately to remind me of how sweet life is and how trivial my worries are. I feel such guilt over taking so many things for granted and forgetting so many of the lessons you taught me. Looking back over the past year, I can see how blessed we have been and how much I have not appreciated those blessings as I should have.
I’m so grateful that I can start each day fresh and choose to see, to really see. Choose to love and to laugh. To take a deep breath. To take care of me so that there is more to give. To let go of my failures and not beat myself up over them.
You are my inspiration and my strength.
I’m so proud to be your mom and your Daddy and I miss you so much.